piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
