Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize