i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
