I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this beer tastes like vomit already
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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