I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
