I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
