I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
