sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I can't turn off my feet"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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