I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
