I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
