yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
True strength comes from lack of pants
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
