got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
