the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
