if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
