So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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