Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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