guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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