i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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