She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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