I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
