I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
3pm strippers are depressing
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
God I need to hump something, right now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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