I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
