We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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