I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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