I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
