hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
