Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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