Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
