I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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