I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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