I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Randomize
