Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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