So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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