why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
