Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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