she woke up with a sticky ear
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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