arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
