So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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