i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
