I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
