I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
