So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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