you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
