alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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