Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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