Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
