i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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