I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
