yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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