new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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