Moan for me like Helen Keller
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
