Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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