i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
