I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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