You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
youre lurking in front of me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
