It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just cut my nipple shaving
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
