i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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