I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
