First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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