Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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