u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The adults are the big ones right?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
