just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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