Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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